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Facing the loss of my brother. I could sense that this was it--that he wouldn't be coming back. I knew I would never again hear my brother's voice or the funny way he laughed.

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Anyone Can Do This!

No More Running

Texas 2006

I really struggled with writing this part of our story. It had been two years, then almost three, with many versions. I wrote it long and I wrote it short. I wrote in details and I took them out, thinking maybe it would be best to be vague.

I finally decided to write what I wrote in my journal, at the time it was happening, adding in some background and my afterthoughts along the way. I've shortened it some, but it's still fairly long and some of it is a little upsetting, especially if you are the type that easily feels the pain of others.

For Thursday, November 9, 2006 I wrote:

***** I called Wayne to see how Dale was doing. Wayne said he thought he was aware, but he couldn't talk. Wayne was on his way to the hospital and I figured Dale had to be bad because Wayne didn't like hospitals and he was spending a lot of time there.*****

I wanted to be my sister, Pam, at that point. Pam didn't attend our mother's funeral and no one had faulted her for it. She wasn't strong enough to handle it and we all knew that. When Judy was sick (my sister, Judy, died Aug 28, 2006), Pam was spared so many of the details. I, on the other hand, volunteered to sit with Linda (Wayne's wife), for support, while she sat with Judy. Day and night I watched as my sister slowly slipped away. Once I was left alone with her and I was a helpless witness to pain so severe that her eye's bulged and she vomited projectile fashion all over me. It's an image I will never forget. Watching her smile afterward, though, when I said "Oh, you got me good with that one", was nice. She was like a small child in that last week and there were so many things I was glad I didn't miss. Still, the day before she died, when Linda had plenty of others, including Pam, to help her, I promptly 'ran away'.

That was a little over two months ago and now here we were again. I mentioned to Wayne that I might not come to the hospital or go to the funeral. He said I was being selfish. Maybe I was. I don't know. I was trying not to think too deeply these days. Anyway, Wayne forced me to think of Dale. Dale deserved to have his loved ones there. I decided I would not run from this.

***** The closer we got to Dale's room, the more emotional I became. When we walked in, I saw that Wayne and Linda and someone else was there. When I saw Dale, I broke down. I had to go in the bathroom and cry.

When I came out, I went to Dale's bedside. My first thought was of how different he looked. His eyes were open only slightly and he had an oxygen mask on. His mouth was wide open, which made his face look long and skinny. The hair on his face reminded me of the cavemen on the Geico commercials. He had been so big and swollen the last time I had seen him. Now his arms and wrists and hands were slim and his stomach was flat.

I told him we were there and that we loved him. I could sense that this was it--that he wouldn't be coming back. I knew I would never again hear my brother's voice or the funny way he laughed. That laugh kept playing over and over again in my head.

Linda went and got me coffee and Wayne explained the situation. He said he was trying to get Linda to go home and he was going to stay the night. He said he didn't think Dale had had a stroke. He thought the toxins had backed up into his brain. He said Dale's eyes were open Tuesday night, but when they came back up here Wednesday morning, they found him like he was now. He didn't think the nurses had taken care of him, so Linda stayed all night Wednesday. Wayne said on Tuesday, Dale would respond with his eyes when someone said something he didn't like. Now there was nothing, but he said he thought Dale could hear us.

Karen was Dale's social worker. She was the other person in the room. She said she found Dale Tuesday morning. She said she wasn't going to tell me the details, but it was bad. Wayne said we could go home with Linda, but I told him we were staying, so he might as well go. They told me I would have to stay on the nurse to give Dale his pain medicine and creams for nausea. He was supposed to get it every two hours but they said by the time you could get them to give it to him, it would be two and a half hours.

After they left, it was just like they said. I had to call for the nurse and she was late. Situations like that really stress me and make me feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. She argued with me that she wasn't late and that he was fine and that he hadn't asked for it. I told her that just because he couldn't ask for the medication didn't mean he was not in pain and why not give it to him on time anyway, just in case. Or was it that she just didn't care about him. Finally, I told her if she couldn't do it for him, then would she please do it for me because every time she was going to be late, I was going to lose it. I told her I couldn't handle it. She ended up being on time for the rest of the night, without me having to call.

All through the night, I would get up and stand by Dale's bed and hold his hand just to let him know someone was there. He was not being given fluids or food and he was wearing a "do not resuscitate" bracelet. I felt so awful once when I was eating a candy bar and all I could think about was that he must be so hungry. But I knew that food would make his stomach hurt. It was doing that before he went into the hospital. He had all but stopped eating weeks before this. All an IV would do would be to prolong this misery he was having to endure.*****

If I had this to do over, I would not have eaten that candy bar in Dale's room and I would have found a way to keep his mouth and throat moist.

For Friday, November 10, 2006 I wrote:

***** Last night's nurse didn't show up to give Dale his medication at shift change. I had to call for the new nurse. When she finally came, she only gave him the pain medication. I told her he needed the anti-nausea medicine, too. She said she would check on it. She never came back so I called for her a few times. When she came, she said that medicine was prescribed every four hours and she wasn't going to give it to him. We argued about it and a tear came to Dale's eye.

Finally, I called Linda to tell her the nurse was refusing to give Dale's medicine. Linda asked me to give the phone to the nurse, but it was obvious the nurse wasn't budging. I held Dale's hand and was getting more and more upset when Wayne came in. He talked to Linda for a minute and asked me to leave while he talked to the nurse. Wayne was able to talk her into it, I believe.

When Linda came to the hospital later, she got hospice and the doctor to write out specific instructions for the nurses. He would now get his pain medicine every hour and the creams every 2 hrs.

Alex and I went to Wayne's to rest. I called Wanda (our sister). She said she could leave tonight and be here in the morning or leave in the morning and get here tomorrow night. We decided it would be best for her to come as soon as possible.

When Alex and I got back to the hospital, Wayne, Linda, Kathy (Linda's sister) and Amanda (Linda's niece) were there. Amanda was swabbing Dale's mouth to moisten it for him. I felt so sad for him not to be able to have water.

Everyone left and I started to feel the pressure of having to fight with the nurse all night. As it turned out, Dale got lucky and the nurse was on time every hour. She was very nice. I was able to just relax and watch him and I felt comfortable that he was feeling no pain.*****

For Saturday, November 11, 2006 I wrote:

***** Dale got his medicine about 4 o'clock, so I was getting ready to go pick up Wanda. Wayne showed up just as I was going to wake Alex. I guess he hadn't liked the idea of Dale being left alone even for a short while.

It was a 30-40 minute ride to Ft. Worth and when we got there, I couldn't find the bus station. We spent way too long circling the area I was sure it should be, then we tried to ask someone. The first guy we tried to ask ran when we pulled up to him. The next guy told us the bus station was now in the train station. We got to the train/bus station and found Wanda waiting. Her bus had been on time, so she had been waiting awhile.

We went back to the hospital. It was really hard on her to see Dale like that and of course she was also concerned about him not having food or water. It seemed very inhumane. The nurse that had been so wonderful all last night didn't show up at shift change. The nurse coming on was another cold one, so we had some trouble.

Wayne suggested we go get some sleep so we could come back tonight. We went to Wayne's. After a little while, Wanda went upstairs to sleep and Wayne came home and went to sleep (Linda was with Dale). Then Wayne got up and left and an hour or so later Linda called to tell me Dale had passed away. I went upstairs to tell Wanda and we hugged eachother and cried.

Linda told me that Wayne had been there holding Dale's hand when he died. He had taken it pretty hard. When they came home later, Wayne told me he'd had a hard time sleeping and had woken up with a pain in his side. He said he knew he had to get to the hospital. When he got there, Dale was breathing in a lot less. He knew it was the end, but hospice decided it wasn't, so they were leaving. Wayne had Linda go bring them back in. Right after he sent her, Dale took his last breath. I don't know if they were in the room, but Wayne was there and he said the second Dale died, the pain he'd had in his side went away.

Later on Wayne put on country music to try to come up with some songs for Dale's funeral. I thought of the song that had always made me think of Wayne and Dale. It was called "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother." Wayne thought of "When I Get to Where I'm Going" and also "The Next Thirty Years."*****

For Sunday, November 12, 2006 I wrote:

***** I woke up and an overwhelming sadness immediately washed over me. I cried, then dried my eyes and went outside to the gameroom. Linda, Wayne, Wanda and maybe Candy were already there. The first thing Wayne said to me was that I needed to put litter out for my cats (I had brought Haldir and Elrond with us) cause they had pooped on the cement by the pool and by the door. I got very upset and said, "We'll be leaving today anyway." Someone asked me if I was okay and I said no and went outside.

I sat, I cried, I put the cats in the truck, I cried, I sat, I walked and I cried. The strange thing is that Dale was not an easy person to get along with and I never felt that we were close. Still, all I could think about was that I would never see him again and my heart was filled with a horrible emptiness.

I cleaned up the poop and went back inside. Wayne said it might not have been the cats that did it. He was trying to make me feel better. They made plans to go to the funeral home and invited me and Alex and Wanda. We all said we didn't want to go, except Alex, but then I changed my mind.

At the funeral home, they picked out the casket and talked about a VHS player and the music. The man said he had some music but not "He Ain't Heavy" or "When I Get to Where I'm Going." Wayne said, "What about 'The Next Thirty Years'?" and the man looked at him like he was crazy. He said something like, "Well, I don't know. I don't know if I'll even be here in thirty years." Linda and I busted out laughing and she explained it was a song.

Later, we went to Best Buy to look for CDs. They looked on their computer and told us they didn't have The Hollies, but Linda ended up finding the CD. It was on the wrong aisle, sitting right up front where she could plainly see it. We thought that was strange. It was the very one we wanted.

We stopped at the Walmart in Azle. Wayne got the "When I Get to Where I'm Going" CD and we found out the other song was called "Live Like You Were Dying." He didn't get that. They were going to let Karen pick the third song.

Later, Wanda asked about Dale's cat collage pictures. We told her he had given those to Alex.*****

For Monday, November 13, 2006 I wrote:

***** Wayne spent a lot of the day going through Dale's things. He brought each of us some things he thought we could use or would like to have.

He told us about what happened the day they found Dale. He said when Karen came that morning, Dale was in bad shape. His eyes were bulging and he was having muscle spasms all over. Wayne said Dale was twisted in pain but Karen and a hospice worker decided not to give him anything. Dale had wanted to die at home so they were going to give him his wish.

They stayed with him and watched him all day, but Dale didn't die. They decided to call 911 and gave Dale pain medicine right after the call. By the time Dale made it to the hospital, he was much more relaxed. Wayne said you could tell Dale knew what was going on by the way he moved his eyes. He said they likely ignored him all Tuesday night and by Wednesday he was like he was when we got there Thursday.*****

For Tuesday, November 14, 2006 I wrote:

***** We went to Applebee's to eat before the funeral. Pam and Joe met us there and then Jimmy joined us. We all drove to the funeral home. More people than I thought started showing up. Rock was there, Karen and Dale's whole group, Shana, Kathy, Joey and Amee and more. Karen had taken a picture Dale drew of Jesus and made a memorial booklet out of it. She brought Dale's tapes and put one in. It was all about Pepper.

There was only one stand of flowers that had been sent for Dale. He also had flowers on his casket. It was a nice blue casket. I thought Dale would have liked the color. I walked in and put my hands on it and talked to Dale for a minute. I was crying and I hoped he could see that and would somehow know that I really did love him.

When we sat for the service, the first song had everyone in tears. Just as Judy's service had been, this one was very impersonal. I don't think I want a pastor speaking at my funeral. In fact, I don't want a service at all. They took a break, played the second song, spoke again and played the third song.

He said we were dismissed, but Karen wanted to speak. It was nice to have someone actually talk about Dale instead of rambling on about names and addresses of siblings. At Mama's funeral, the pastor had asked her family questions about her and then he mentioned the things we said in his service.

Karen talked about Dale's plant blooming and about his sense of humor.

After the service, I went to the casket and said my good-byes. We walked out and I watched them load him into the car for the trip to the cemetery. Karen asked about following and Linda told her no one was following, so Karen said she wanted to. There was no escort, but they had said one or two could follow, so Linda said that would be fine.

Joey asked me about it and I told him we were meeting at Wayne's house and we would go later to the cemetery. Then Later, Wayne said if Joey had stuck around we could have followed Dale to the cemetery. He had been busy talking with people and I don't think he realized that they had left with Dale a long time ago. Wayne said he was glad Karen followed so at least there was someone there to watch the workers. I hadn't thought about that at all. It's sad that with so many people, it's just a job and they don't really have any respect for the dead.

I'm sure Karen thought we really didn't care how they might treat him. And if Dale was watching, he probably also thought we didn't care. Earlier Wanda had mentioned to Joey that at least Dale knew how much we loved him. I told her no, Dale never knew that. The kind of love he wanted from us was the kind that Mama gave him. As far as he was concerned, no one loved him.

Anyway, we left the funeral home and stopped by Walmart. Joey and Amee were at Wayne's when we got there. We talked for awhile, then Wayne took Joey to Dale's for some things and then we all went to the cemetery.

It was a nice cemetery off Knob Hill Rd. There was a 'cemetery dog' there. I was sure Dale would have liked that.

We went back to Wayne's. Wanda mentioned Dale's cat pictures again for about the fourth or fifth time. Alex offered her one of them, even though he really didn't want to give one up. She turned it down.*****

For Wednesday, November 15, 2006 I wrote:

***** Wayne, Wanda, Alex and I went through Dale's trailer and we got some more things. Alex and I loaded up and headed back to Dallas.*****

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