Right now it's almost as if I'm outside myself, watching and judging everything I do. I see my actions as one unimportant step after another. I second guess everything and then end up doing nothing.
I have so much to write and so many pictures to put online that I am overwhelmed by it all. I'm trying to get organized, but it's not going well. I keep getting sidetracked. Yesterday I found a journal from 2000, when Alex was just four years old. I read the entire thing.
I realized that my thinking was so very different then from what it is now. I was focused on giving him attention and I had a tunnel vision of sorts. Our world was in the center of my thoughts all the time. There was no room for the chaos that is my current way of thinking.
Right now it's almost as if I'm outside myself, watching and judging everything I do. I see my actions as one unimportant step after another. I second guess everything and then end up doing nothing. I don't understand it because I am happy where I am. I have the ability to do almost anything I want to do. I have such a variety of material to work with and I know in my heart that some of it is really great stuff.
Perhaps it was the death of my siblings that changed me. Working on our family tree may have done it. Or maybe it was the mirrors I put up. I don't know how it happened, or exactly when it happened, but at some point I stopped living completely in the moment and started being acutely aware (and extremely critical) of every move.
I felt really bad most of the day yesterday and this morning when I woke up. Could it be because I've been overeating and eating the wrong things? I've gained two pounds since Thursday. I was so proud of reaching 118 and then I just lost control. I know it has affected my energy level and my overall health--maybe it's affecting my mind as well. I'm going back to doing right today!
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